Queensland Audio Club © 2019

Comedy Corner - Page 15.

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Do you know the one about the two antennae who decided to get married?

The marriage didn't last long, but the reception was great.

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An old lady brings in a badly worn LP to the audio store and wants to listen to loudspeakers.
She gives the LP to the sales guy who puts it on their high end turntable.
He puts the stylus in the grove and after 3-4 rounds, the tonearm skips about 300 groves.
"Oh My" said the old lady, "Is that the record", she asks.
"No, the record is over 500 groves" said the sales guy.

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One day Paul Klipsch and Amar Bose happen to bump into each other while walking down the street.
Mr. Bose cups his hands over his mouth and says "Hello Paul" to Mr. Klipsch.
Paul then turns to face away from Amar and putting his hand in front of his mouth to bounce the sound back says,

"Hello Amar".

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Q: What happens when you put Russian tubes in a Conrad Johnson?

A: You get a Comrade Johnson.

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There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose rca's were so long he could chuck it
To the moon and back down to his listening room
His records sound like screams in a bucket.

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Audiophile 1: “Did you hear the sad news about Bob; he died of a sudden illness.”
Audiophile 2: “That’s so sad, what did he have?”
Audiophile 1: " Krell, Thiel, Theta, and Nordost."

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“How many hi-fi journalists does it take to change a light bulb?”

“Two.

One to change the bulb and another to write a glowing review.”

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Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A: A Flat Major.

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Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

A: All they said was, “BACH, BACH, BACH…”

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An audiophile was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, 
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, 
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” 
The audiophile took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, 
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” 


Again the audiophile took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, 
“What is the matter? 
I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. 
Why won’t you kiss me?”

The audiophile said, 
“Look I’m an audiophile. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s pretty cool.”

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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. 
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. 
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. 
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. 
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said,

“Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. 
Most puzzling.” 
So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; 
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, 
“My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

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Definition of "music"

“Music” is a complex organisation of sounds in time that is set down by the composer, 
incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, 
who is ignored by the musicians, 
the result of which is ignored by the audience.

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I would have never thought this could happen to me, it always happens to the other guy. 
I was alone, sitting in my local tavern, and there she was. 
Just sitting there at the bar, very attractive. 
She was a 9/10, excellent, perfect condition, no scratches, nicks, or blemishes, and enough inputs to satisfy any man. After many drinks, I decided to get enough courage to speak to her. 


I approached her, and she was willing to talk! Better yet, she talked audio. 
I asked her about her system and her music, and boy was she willing! 
She whispered in my ear that she wanted to sample my equipment! 
At that point, I realized that she was a 7/10, one or two minor scratches, looked a little used, but well maintained.

Perhaps it was the alcohol wearing off, but my desire to tweak her system became overwhelming. 


I told her that I was a two-channel kind of guy and asked her if she liked analouge. 
I was surprised that she didnt walk away. 
She responded by telling me she liked two channel but wanted to experiment with 5.1!!!, 
Then she asked me if she could sample my power cord!

Without much thinking, and just emotionally reacting, I agreed to audition it! We took the transport over to her place. 
I had my electoglide fat man ready. 
It was only broken in my system and I wondered if this was going to work out, be moment of nirvana that I was waiting for. 


Ive wang chunged too much lately, and had a bad case of DSD, sick of looking at tube traps in magazines, and my cable cooker was broken. 
It was late, and her place was brightly lit. 
Upon further inspection, I realized that she was now a 3/10, rather beat up, but all functions work, maybe a knob missing. 
Still, she had a serious bottom end, great midrange, and not too bright. 
I walked in the room and saw her system in the good light. 
I said, nice rack! I noticed she had large cones, and those aurios, properly positioned, well, I better not touch them yet. 
I was ready to rock her world. 


She opened up to me, mentioned that she had sampled other mens cords, something that I didnt want to hear. 
Her experience with the power snakes especially the black mamba and the whale elite really shock me up. 
The sidewinder with venom upgrade, well, thats gotta be long and hard to maneuver. 
She claimed good results with the eel and power oval. 
Boy, I was hoping that her receptacle was clean, I mean, the last thing that I wanted was the grundge, or a bad case of EMI. 


It was too late to get out the Audioprism sniffer. 
I got over that quickly. 
She was too much!

I started to get my cord ready for installation, the need to elevate the cord, and to prevent any kind of RFI leakage was important. . 
I know factually that Electraglide tend to be better as length progresses. 
No break in needed. Didnt want it to under perform Plug in time...

Well what an upgrade path!!!!!! What slam, nirvana! Extremely detailed. 
What started out as hard and edgy changed to being very liquid. 
Afterward, She proceeded to give my cord five stars for performance and five stars for value.

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Husband: Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to wife about life..
In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
i told her : Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. 
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer from the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral :
Think about what you talk, The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.